The Mind Bully: Talking Back to Anxiety

Tired of Your Anxiety Calling the Shots?

Anxiety can often feel like a core part of who you are, making you feel trapped and powerless. However, in therapy, we use a powerful technique called Externalizing—which means separating you from the problem.

We’re going to stop thinking of anxiety as “my anxiety” and start seeing it as an intrusive, unhelpful character we can challenge. This character is the Mind Bully.

Meet the Mind Bully

Imagine your anxiety is a bully in a school playground. This bully has one goal: to take your money.

Your “money” represents all the good things in your life the bully wants to steal:

• Joy
• Confidence
• Sleep
• Freedom to try new things
• Peace of mind

How the Bully Operates

The Mind Bully doesn’t use physical force; it uses loud, scary, and demanding words. It’s constantly in your ear, trying to scare you into handing over your “money” (your freedom and peace).

The Mind Bully’s favourite tactic is to present itself as a protector. It says things like, “I’m just trying to keep you safe! If you don’t listen to me, something terrible will happen!”

But if you listen, the “safety” it promises is really just a prison of fear and restriction. You avoid going out, you turn down opportunities, and you stay worried—all while the bully gets richer (stronger) and you get poorer (more anxious).

How to Argue Back: The Three-Step Plan

The only way to stop a bully is to stop obeying. We have to argue back and stand our ground.

Step 1: Naming and Noticing

The bully hates being noticed and named. When you identify it, you create a separation.

• Ask yourself: “Is this me, or is this the Mind Bully talking?”
• Give it a name: Don’t just call it “the Mind Bully.” Give it a silly, formal, or frustrating name, like “Mr. Panic,” “The Worry Wizard,” or “Sir Always-Afraid.”

Internal thought	Externalized statement
“I can’t go to that party; everyone will think I’m boring.”	“Ah, there’s Mr. Panic again, trying to steal my joy by telling me a lie.”
“I’m going to fail this exam, I know it.”	“The Worry Wizard is trying to steal my confidence by planting a negative thought.”

Step 2: Defining the Bully’s Motive

Now you challenge why the bully is saying what it’s saying. You know its goal is to steal your “money.”

• Identify the lie: What is the bully telling you to get you to comply?
• Identify the motive: Which of your “money” (joy, freedom, confidence) is it trying to steal?

Bully’s demand	Your defiant thought
“Don’t send that email! It’s not perfect and you’ll look stupid!”	“I see you, Mr. Panic! You’re trying to steal my freedom to act imperfectly. I know you’re just trying to keep me stuck. I won’t listen.”
“I feel dizzy. This must mean something is terribly wrong with my health. Stay home.”	“This is just Sir Always-Afraid trying to steal my peace of mind by making me think a physical symptom is a crisis. I know this feeling passes.”

Step 3: State Your Own Terms (The Counter-Argument)

This is the most crucial step. You don’t just notice the bully; you tell it what you are going to do instead, and you take your “money” back.

Bully’s threat	Your action and counter-argument
“Don’t drive on the highway, you’ll crash! Stay on the back roads. I won’t let you!”	“I hear your panic, but you are not the boss of me. I am choosing to drive on the highway to reclaim my freedom of movement. I am a competent driver, and your scare tactics don’t define reality.”
“If you go to bed late, you’ll be tired tomorrow and ruin your whole day. Stay up and worry about it!”	“No, I’m taking back my sleep and peace. I’m turning off the lights and listening to a story to calm my mind. I am choosing my rest over your worry.”

Your New Job: The Boundary Enforcer

Every time you argue back, you make the Mind Bully a little smaller and weaker, and you make yourself a little bigger and stronger.

Your anxiety might never fully disappear, but when you stop letting it dictate your life, its power is broken. The goal isn’t to kill the bully; it’s to make it so quiet that you don’t even notice its pathetic attempts to steal your money anymore.

Keep arguing. Keep protecting your resources. You are the boss of your own mind.